“Where the hell am I? Oh yeah. Jesus I feel terrible. Maybe that Kung-Pao chicken wasn’t such a good idea.”
He stands and staggers to across the room, simultaneously avoiding luggage and his sleeping wife. As he reaches for his towel, his Equilibrium screams back.
“Yeah asshole, and that half a bottle of tequila was fucking brilliant!”
“Shut up and straighten out, I’ve got to find some pepcid before our chest explodes” he fires back.
“OK, but I’m warning you, tomorrow when I find Liver, WE’RE GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!”
Equilibrium gets a handle on things and our hero, now handsomely wrapped in a towel makes his way to the medicine cabinet.
Once safely in the bathroom the search begins in earnest.
“Pepcid, pepcid, Bingo!”
He pops one in his mouth chews a couple of times for good measure and swallows.
“What the fuck, this is a three alarm job,” he rationalizes “better take two.” Down goes another.
“Take that heartburn!” convinced this is the last he will see of chest pain tonight; our hero triumphantly plods back to bed.
For the uninitiated; heartburn feels like that crazy Indian Voodoo guy from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom has plunged his hand into your chest, removed your heart and replaced it with molten pig iron. Then that amusing mouse Jerry, smacks you on the back of the head with a burning skillet. As you scream in agony, Tom shovels a mouthful of burning coal into your mouth and holds your mouth and nose closed until you swallow them. Since you didn’t chew one gets stuck in you throat and just sits there.
WebMD describes Heartburn as follows
“Heartburn is a feeling of burning, warmth, heat, or pain that often starts in the upper abdomen just beneath the lower breastbone (sternum) and ribs. This discomfort may spread in waves upward into the throat. A sour taste in the mouth may occur with this burning sensation. Heartburn may be called indigestion, acid regurgitation, sour stomach, or pyrosis. “
While dreaming of puppies and ice cream melting in a lake of fire, our hero awakes again, this time sweating and still burning from within.
“Where the hell am I? Oh yeah. Jesus this heartburn is a real killer. Better get some more pepcid.”
“EQ, Equilibrium, you there?”
“What? I was sleeping.” Equilibrium responds slowly.
“We OK dude?” our Hero inquires.
“Yeah, everything is on auto, so we’re golden. Oh I found Liver by the way; he was just out getting smokes. He told me to tell you that he hooked up with this hot little cervix from down the way and won’t be back till morning.” Equilibrium takes a second and yawns. “Cool, I’m going back to sleep.”
With EQ in check and Liver out “livin’ the vida loca”, our hero wonders, “ Maybe this is that spontaneous human combustion thing I’ve been reading about.”
Once again toweled Hero, makes his way to the bathroom. Upon entry, Stomach sends an emergency message to Brain.
“ALERT! ALERT! ALERT! ASSUME THE POSITION!”
Reflex jumps in and saves the day, just in time for our hero think aloud, “Time to take another look at dinner”.
--The next few hours have been excised by Brain out of good taste--
The next day Brain, Stomach, Liver, and Heart convince our hero, that it was neither the Tequila nor the Kung Pao, but the innocent eight year old boy, who earlier that day said “My tummy hurts.”
Let this tale be a cautionary one to you folks. Unless you have a death wish, or the desire to relive some of your more unpleasant childhood memories, DO NOT PLAY GAME CUBE WITH A SICK KID! Sure it makes him feel better, but so do soda crackers and ginger ale.
No comments:
Post a Comment