Bubba You Wound Me

On the endless quest for a better breakfast sandwich we fall upon this scene in a roadside country store.

ME: So am I too late for breakfast?

BUBBA: No, what can I get for you?

ME: Bacon, egg and cheese on a biscuit would be outstanding.

BUBBA: Cumin’ right up!

Our noble hero steps to the counter with a sign made from a sheet of loose-leaf paper and a magic marker labeled “PICK UP”. The scent bacon frying and 50 years worth of cigarettes mingle to form an aroma of comfort, a scent that tickles the nostrils and reminds our hero of someone’s kindly Grandfather. Just as he begins to ponder the romance of country life, Bubba speaks.

BUBBA: So, are you in a band or something?

ME: (Trying to think of a witty retort) Um… No.

BUBBA: Oh, well you just look like you are in a band, kinda’ hip, like a hip cat.

ME: (Painfully aware of the delicacy of the situation, while simultaneously trying not to offend, because the biscuits here are really good, and not wanting to sound patronizing) Um… No, this is just me.

BUBBA: (Shrugs and goes back to what he was doing) Well I guess you gotta’ do what ya’ gotta’ do to stay young.

An old gray bent and broken man on a peg leg enters the scene and removes our hero’s heart with a dull harpoon.

BUBBA: Yeah, my wife was starting to get a little portly, (Our hero is saved from Ahab’s harpoon by the equal shock of Bubba using a word like portly) then she lost a lot of weight and now she has to stay hip too.

Aside from Bubba’s round barrel like shape taking away from his comments about anyone’s weight, our hero must choose his words wisely. Bubba is about 6-4 and lets say 350, add to that the biscuits here are really good, our hero must decide.

ME:(OPTION A) Well Bubba, if your wife lost a lot of weight, you obviously found it. Maybe you should consider giving it back.

ME:(OPTION B) Pull out a .357 Magnum shoot Bubba between the eyes, execute the kitchen personnel save one, get my biscuit, and upon exit remind the cook to tell the cops “Mickey an Mallory Knox did it”.

ME:(OPTION C) Yeah and now you gotta’ try and keep up with her.

---When in doubt always pick C---

BUBBA: Nah, I gave up on that years ago.

Then like mana from heaven words call out and save our hero.

COOK: Bacon, egg and cheese on a biscuit! Pick it up!